Detach
by GreySilhouette
Summary: While the First War was sunshine and roses for none but the delusional, some had it worse than others.


Sirius wears his hood up when out in public more often than not, these days. It is attached to a drab, grey cloak, non-indicative of anything, which he pulls around himself whether it is cold or warm, summer or winter or anything in between. People give him wary glances and stay out of his way, but that is fine, he tells himself, better than the alternative.

Sometimes he wishes that more of a fuss had been made over his disinheritance, instead of the elite pulling strings and keeping it out of the Prophet and the Ministry gossip, as they scrambled to avoid another scandal like the one Andromeda caused. They learned from that that actions such as theirs (Sirius' and Andromeda's) reflect on the _entire_ elite, not just one specific family, and so they hushed it up in regards to outsiders even as it made their gossip rounds. More of a fuss might help when trying to convince others that he is actually on their side.

These are dark times. No one can trust anyone, but they most especially are not willing to trust a member of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, former or not. The Ministry and the Prophet drew thick metaphorical lines in the sand, marked with barbed wire and signs that say Do Not Cross. The public accepted this, and both sides agree that you are born into them, grow up in them, serve them. He often finds it almost amusing that the muggleborns and half-bloods and "Light" purebloods are so willing to condemn others based on who they are born to, and wonders whether anyone else notices the irony. It is a world where they are puzzled by him and those like him, who lurk in the shadows, not completely one or the other.

People don't like their beliefs being challenged. He does that, with his very existence. So they rationalise, explain why it is impossible for him to truly side with them. Even those he is close to think of him as an exception to the rule.

He reaches the gates of Hogwarts. Order meetings are held here during the summer, for the added security. Hagrid comes after a few minutes waiting in the crisp, late August air, and he pushes back the hood enough that his face is visible. Hagrid's expression changes from cautious and waiting for identity to wary, and he hesitates for a moment before letting him in. He never could hide what he was thinking.

Sirius nods and draws the hood forwards again, knowing that that is the politest greeting he is going to get considering he came alone instead of with the Potter's, Remus or Peter.

The corridors are empty, his light footsteps echoing in contrast to the busy Hogwarts of his memories. It is too cold, but then, that's normal nowadays. He's not sure the chill is not just in his head, if it is just him feeling it.

He lowers the hood before he steps into the meeting room. He is not the last there, but is it close. He ignores the uneasy glances and crosses to where James and Peter are sitting, conjuring a chair opposite them. They look up and smile tiredly at him, Peter yawning. He must have spent half the night calming his mother after one of her spells again.

Lily must have stayed home with Harry. Sirius is glad: for all that James loves her; he and Lily do not get along at all. Maybe it's the way she keeps trying to get him to conform to her standards, or how she sees him as a drowning puppy in need of rescue and herself as an altruistic rescuer he should be grateful to have, or how in spite her cleverness and potential usefulness to the Order she claims to be a member of, she has retreated from fighting and only attends the meetings sporadically and spends her time playing housewife and pretending the war will just go away if she ignores it long enough. A far cry from when she was fresh out of Hogwarts and would duel with Voldemort himself in battle, if necessary.

He has his own standards, and they have worked fine for him so far. He rescued himself from the cesspit of the House of Black, and is taking care of himself fine. He believes in facing up to reality, and despises her selfish escapism, her idiocy in bringing a child into the world at this time and not least her "muggleisation" (as she calls it) of her and James' marriage, settling into roles she claims are traditional. Marriages are meant to be equal. She leaches.

He has learned not to express these thoughts, given that James blows a gasket at any insult of his precious Lily and everyone takes it as an expression of anti-muggle sentiment and start to eye him with even more suspicion than normal. He wouldn't even care that she doesn't participate in the war now if she can possibly avoid it, if only she did not pretend she is still on the front lines and working hard even as she cuddles her new child.

They exchange a few words, asking about the health of each other and Peter and James' remaining families, generally catching up. James regales them with a tale from the Auror office involving a Knockturn dweller brawling with a Hit Wizard. When he hears that the Knockturn dweller got arrested on principle, for being from a traditionally Dark family, he hopes the smile he gives is not too obviously false. If it is, they refrain from calling him out on it, though James glances awkwardly at him, as if he did not realise the implications until just now. He probably didn't.

Remus arrives near last as has been the norm as of late, and seats himself as far away from Sirius as it is possible to be and still be with their group. He has been disassociating himself with Sirius recently, and while it has happened to him before – most of those he went to school with, even those who got along well with him, started glaring unpleasantly at him and cutting all communication once they reached the real world – he finds the hypocrisy inherent in the move as it comes from Remus startling and odd and infuriating to the level that he avoids speaking with the other because he knows he will fly into a fury if he does so. There is also the dread that there may be an ulterior motive behind the normally accepting werewolf's behaviour. He knows he is not the only one to notice that the Death Eaters seem far more informed about the Order and their activities as of late, and the knowledge that they are being betrayed is weighing ever more heavily around them as more and more people notice the pattern. Edgar; dead with his family. The Prewitt twins; dead as of only two days ago. And there is more coming, they all know that. It is in the side glances as they all peer furtively round the table, trying to pinpoint the spy, in the tension, the mistrust of any but your closest that is even more pronounced than just a month ago.

He knows several of them have him down as the most likely suspect. Most of them, in fact.

The meeting drags on, with Dumbledore presiding over a tense, boiling atmosphere. Sirius leaves immediately afterwards to take his shift lurking in Diagon Ally in "protection of the populace", before it can boil over. James catches him and asks him to come and visit afterwards, and he agrees. No matter his disagreement's on worldview with Lily, Harry is his godson, and his understanding of the title means that he considers it to carry some responsibility.

It is three days before he visits the Potters. While he was in Diagon they were attacked by a group of Death Eaters and had to be moved again, and Dumbledore is almost visibly uneasy as he tells Sirius, Peter and Remus their new address. When he is there, James dotes on his new-born son and Lily makes snide remarks on how he should make himself more acceptable by the Order's standards that fly over James' head and when James takes Harry upstairs to change him she compares him to her sister, along with being openly nasty in general. It is no secret that she and Petunia hate each other.

He has met Petunia, if only a few times, and though he acknowledges the similarities in their situations, personally, Sirius doesn't think they are that much alike. They could have been, but they are not.

He thought Lily and Petunia could hardly be more different, other than both having an insufferable holier than thou attitude, when he first met the second, older Evans sister. Lily has become much more like her since then.

He leaves and trudges back to the inn he is staying at while looking for a new place to stay, considering his old place kicked him out after he was attacked there, causing severe property damage. It is in a seedier, politically darker area, but no one will look for him there, and he is fine as long as he keeps his head down. As is standard among the Order, he has kept his location close to his chest. Unusually, he has told no one at all where he is staying.

Here, they don't know who he is. They have never seen his face. All they care about is that he pays on time and doesn't cause trouble.

He is in Diagon when the Death Eaters attack. This is the first time they have dared to choose such a prominent location as this one, but there have been mutterings, hence the guard. He sends off a patronus, only just distinct enough to carry a message, yells at a shopkeeper to call the Aurors in case the stampede forgets once they are out of here, and moves to fight them. He is quickly hard-pressed by three of the five, led by someone he _knows_ instinctively is Bellatrix despite the mask hiding her face.

They all but two Disapparate once the Aurors arrive moments later. There are three Aurors, and one checks the unconscious Death Eater while the other two direct the crowd. They leave Sirius to deal with Bellatrix, likely hoping she will off him for them. It would not be the first time. She sees it too, and her grey eyes, so like his own, gleam mockingly from behind the mask.

Now there is only her he manages to press her back, finally able to attack rather than defending himself from the endless onslaught. She goes only once the Aurors have the surrounding area clear and no longer have an excuse to avoid assisting him. While they both know they might not anyway, she apparently doesn't want to take that chance and leaves. She has done what she came here to do anyway. The point was to show the power the Death Eaters wield, to demonstrate that even the heart of the light/Ministry aligned shopping district – where Hogwarts children buy their school equipment and muggleborns are introduced to the magical world – is not safe from them.

The Auror's arrest him brutally, and a Daily Prophet photographer snaps a picture while a reporter scribbles away gleefully beside her. He is thrown in a cell next to the captured Death Eater, denied food, water, bathroom breaks and any of the medical attention that he needs for near twenty four hours until Moody gets involved. He is given some water and a toilet break, and held for another day while relentlessly questioned as they try to find something he is guilty of. He thinks they are spending more time on him than on the captured Death Eater. Finally they reach the legal limit of the time they can hold him without incriminating evidence and he is let out. He reverses the localised rotting curse that struck his arm and takes the floo from the Ministry Atrium to St Mungo's, lets them patch up his wounds, then discharges himself against their advice, not wanting to let his guard down in such a public, accessible place. It is sheer willpower that keeps him from stumbling or falling on his way back to his current residence. Once there he crashes and sleeps for twelve hours. A lot, for someone plagued with near-inexhaustible energy and restless dreams, along with frequent nightmares.

When he wakes, still weary, he eats a small breakfast, his first meal in near three days now, and reports in to work. Thankfully the Unspeakable who is his superior doesn't fire him for his absence, just puts him on probation.

He avoids the public even more now his face has been splashed across the Prophet. At the next Order meeting, he inquires why no one came to help him in Diagon. Flimsy excuses are made. No one calls them out on it. There's no point; they all know the answer.

The Potters have to move again. The Longbottoms are having no such problems with hiding. Remus withdraws from them even more, Peter spends more time with his mother, who is worsening from the stress of having a son in the war effort, something Sirius knows he feels guilty about. He gives Peter his space, remembering how he hated to be confronted when they were at school, even when they were offering comfort and support.

A shopper spits at him when he is standing guard in Hogsmead. The people here are bolder, protected by the proximity to Dumbledore and Hogwarts, and have not yet been attacked outright, other than an Auror that lived here disappearing overnight then turning up several days later below a Dark Mark, dead from extensive torture injuries. The spitting becomes a common occurrence, along with muttered accusations that he pretends not to hear because he knows they will not believe him.

…until Hogsmead is attacked directly. He isn't there, but he hears the body count is high by wizarding standards, and includes children.

The people of Hogsmead are too frightened to spit at him after that. The conspiracy column in the Prophet has one writer suggest that the attacks happened because he was sick of it.

He is arrested soon after, supposedly on suspicion of ties to the Death Eaters. This time when he is released, the injuries he goes to St Mungo's for the treatment of were not the result of Death Eater activity, and he seethes every time Frank Longbottom smirks at him, daring him to tell.

He loses his job too. Still, he had been expecting that.

It is now November the first, what he considers the New Year. Nearing the end of the year 1980.

He knows it is only going to get worse from here.

Call it a gut feeling or latent seer powers or just plain sense based on how the war has gone so far.

It's getting worse.


End file.
